How Becoming Malta’s First Sex Therapist Changed Me as a Man

When I started this journey, I decided to bring in something Malta desperately needed: honest, open, and professional discussion about sex, relationships, and intimacy. I never knew how much this work would shape me as a man, change my relationships, and challenge my conception of love, even myself.

It wasn’t enough to be Malta’s first sex therapist: One would simply have to challenge cultural taboos. It made me doubt my beliefs, to sort of build my emotional boundaries and, at times, to kind of get by in some very unexpected ways in my life.

It Changed the Way I Thought About Trust Even Sometimes for the Worst.

Spending time with those who were dishonest, concealed their tracks, and lived double lives provided me with an exposure to deception that I might not have had access to. I’ve sat with men and women who were masters at manipulating their partners, carefully erasing the evidence of their affairs, making alibis, and leading what appeared like perfectly normal lives on the surface.

I was spending too much time analyzing things that did not require analysis: a late reply, a change in routine, a difference in story lines. I knew that I was an insider to how people hid things from me, because I’d seen it in action in my daily work. There were moments I was left to check myself and tell myself that my own life wasn’t exactly my clinic, and that not everyone just had a double life. But the realization at the same time meant I had a tremendous amount of appreciation for honesty. I learned that transparency in a relationship wasn’t simply a matter of averting suspicion, it means that the two of you were trying to make room for one another to be safe, seen, and secure under a safe umbrella.

It Made Me Intense And Emotionally Too Protective.

I began to be too careful in some relationships and to take too long to just be open with my feelings. I repeatedly did double checks before investing emotionally. In others, what I did was overprotect. I was aware of how fragile relationships could be, and there were a few times where I would make myself overly protective, trying to preempt problems before they occurred, I would catch something and avoid miscommunication, I did more than I needed to to maintain a healthy relationship. It was learning the fine line of being aware and paranoid, protecting something meaningful and smothering it, doing what I knew from experience and knowing that I had professionally but letting go of those things and being myself, doing it without dissecting and analysing it.

It Made Me More Reasonable About What I Would Allow in a Relationship.

Toxic relationships have made me who I am. I’ve worked with people stuck in a pattern of emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and control. I’ve seen what happens when bitterness goes unchecked. I’ve watched one partner in relationships with the other as he methodically demolishes their own self-esteem. Guilt is the instrument behind an armory to cut through the person of love. I made it clear what I would and wouldn’t tolerate in a relationship. The subtle patterns were obvious: disrespect, control, manipulation are not subtle. They grow. They mold the whole dynamics. They corrode trust, intimacy, and security over time. It was this understanding that led me to dismiss circumstances which were simply not the way to go or did not feel right, even though there was love there. It forced me to choose mutual respect over transient attraction. It helped me come to the conclusion that a successful relationship shouldn’t only have passion, safety, stability, and an overwhelming sense of partnership. I had to realize that awareness can go a long way, when it came to relationships too; patience, compromise, and empathy are essential.

It Gave Me Another Kind of Gratitude with One Another and a Love For Life.

For all the problems, I’ve also been deepened in my gratitude for the partners in my life, be they husbands and wives, mothers, children, and friends. I have worked with people who lost everything because of their decisions. People who wished that they’d been more communicative, fought more, or appreciated the partner more. I have had people who would do anything to undo the damage they’d caused, only to discover it was too late. It just made me be more grateful. My relationships with the individuals I care about in a major sense as well as the small, daily moments of caring that really strengthen the bonds formed by loving. It challenged me to take love for granted, which is not natural it’s something you invest, nurture… and choose… every day.

It Made Me Into The Man He Is Today.

Becoming Malta’s first sex therapist wasn’t just a matter of helping others, but of moulding myself. It challenged me, tested my patience. Uncovered my blind spots, mistakes, and uncertainties, made me doubt my own sense of the world, made me believe better, reshaped the way I see the world, rebuilt my view of the world, learned about love, intimacy, and how to make love and intimacy in a more intimate way. At times, I felt burned out and I felt like a little bit bitter, like I was cynical and maybe I was overbitchesy or more hardened, due to what I was seeing every day in my clinic. And at times there were periods when I was deeply fulfilled. When I witnessed someone emerge from shame, when a couple reconnected, when someone finally felt at peace with themselves. Those moments were my reminder for why I do this. I am nothing like the individual that went down the path I did. I’ve been formed by the stories I’ve heard, the people I’ve spoken to, and the teachings I’ve absorbed. I’m more cognizant of, deliberate about, and grounded in what matters in a relationship, specifically.

Would I do it all again?

Without hesitation. I mean, in all the struggle, misinformations, and hurdles in this process, this was something very valuable to me: to have a better understanding of what it is to love, to trust, and to build something real.