Rumours, Noise and Real Growth: Learning to Keep My Eyes on the Road

Matthew is a closeted gay.”

“Matthew jumps from woman to woman.”

“He’s money-minded.”

“I’ve heard he sees women for free if they ‘offer favours’.”

. “I’ve heard he’s manipulative.”

“He chose sex therapy because he must be a pervert.”

“All talk, no sex.”

“Matthew abuses his psychology assistants—slave-driver, really.”

“He’s definitely a narcissist on TV all the time.”.

This is simply an account of the rumours spread about me over the years. Some is unintentionally funny, most is hurtful, and none is true. But for a long period, I responded to every whisper as an emergency. I wrote clarifications and confronted gossip and burned hours defending myself to people who would never like me.

Psychology calls it ‘rumination’ – the cycle of thoughts that feeds back in your head negative remarks or criticisms about yourself. It turns out rumination predicts greater amounts of stress, lower mood, and even cardiovascular strain (Nolen-Hoeksema et al., 2008). I was an example of this phenomenon in action. I lay awake scripting comebacks no one would ever hear, reciting arguments for imaginary audiences. As a result, the more energy I injected, the more the rumours seemed to burgeon.

A Question That Transformed Everything.

Eventually a mentor asked one brutal question: “Whose opinion would you take into surgery with you?” My list was narrow: my closest friends, my family, my clinical supervisor, and a few other colleagues who watch me perform my job every day.

That question forced a shift:

I set up a quarterly feedback circle: five people who observe my practice, my leadership and my character. Once a quarter, they give me a score for clarity, fairness, humility, boundaries and joy.

I stopped explaining myself to anonymous critics. If a claim is defamatory, my lawyer takes care of it; if it’s just noise, I let it fade.

I evolved to a growth ledger, instead of a defence file: skills improved, clients served well, mistakes were owned and repaired, staff was supported.

Have I failed? Definitely. I have overbooked, snapped under stress, and under-communicated with staff. Those actions should also go into the ledger, because accountability isn’t just about trying to please everyone — but learning when you get things wrong in front of your eyes, and publicly.

What I’ve Learned.

For starters, not every voice should have a microphone in your head.

And go on and seek out evidence-based feedback, rather than gossip-fuelled opinions. The truth will still be the hard truth from those who really care about you, but without the venom.

Read the data you can trust: your behaviour, your findings and your development.

Lastly, stop making noise and allow silence to run its course.

When you don’t feed them attention, rumours die of starvation. If you have ever been hit with speculation, try my mentor’s question: whose opinion would you take to surgery?

Listen to the people rather than to the crowd. If you have feedback that is constructive, specific and can be more growth-centred, I’ll welcome it.

As for anything else? I will let the silence sort it out.