Rumours, Noise and Real Growth: Learning to Keep My Eyes on the Road

“Matthew is a closeted gay.”
“Matthew jumps from woman to woman.”
“He’s money-minded.”
“I’ve heard he sees women for free if they ‘offer favours’.”
“I’ve heard he’s manipulative.”
“He chose sex therapy because he must be a pervert.”
“All talk, no sex.”
“Matthew abuses his psychology assistants—slave-driver, really.”
“He’s definitely a narcissist on TV all the time.”

That is merely a summary of the rumours spread about me over the years. Some of it is unintentionally funny, most is hurtful, and none is true. Yet for a long time, I treated every whisper as an emergency. I drafted clarifications, confronted gossip, and burned hours defending myself to people who would never like me.

Psychology calls it ‘rumination’ – the mental loop that replays negative commentary in your head. In fact, research indicates that rumination predicts higher stress, lower mood, and even cardiovascular strain (Nolen-Hoeksema et al., 2008). I was a living example of this phenomenon. I lay awake scripting comebacks no one would ever hear, reciting arguments for imaginary audiences. Consequently, the more energy I invested, the more the rumours seemed to grow.

A Question That Changed Everything

Eventually, a mentor asked me one brutal question: “Whose opinion would you take into surgery with you?” My list was short: my closest friends, my family, my clinical supervisor, and a handful of colleagues who see me work every day. That question forced a shift:

• I created a quarterly feedback circle: five people who watch my practice, my leadership, and my character. Once a quarter, they score me on clarity, fairness, humility, boundaries, and joy.

• I stopped explaining myself to anonymous critics. If a claim is defamatory, my lawyer handles it; if it’s just noise, I let it fade.

• I started keeping a growth ledger instead of a defence file: skills improved, clients were served well, mistakes were owned and repaired, and staff was supported.

Have I failed? Definitely. I’ve overscheduled, snapped under pressure, and under-communicated with staff. Those actions should also be recorded in the ledger, because proper accountability involves not just trying to please everyone but also publicly learning from your mistakes when you fall short.

What I’ve Learned

• First and foremost, not every voice deserves a microphone in your head.

• Next, ask for evidence-based feedback, not gossip-fuelled opinions. People who genuinely care about you will still give you the hard truth, but without the venom.

• Focus on the data you can verify: your conduct, your outcomes, and your growth.

• Finally, let silence do its work. Rumours die of starvation when you don’t feed them attention.

An Invitation

If you’ve ever been the target of rumours, borrow my mentor’s question: whose opinion would you carry into surgery? Listen to them, not the crowd. If you have constructive, specific, and growth-oriented feedback for me, I am open to receiving it. As for anything else? I’ll let the silence sort it out.