Stay with the Feeling

I see it every week in the clinic, and I recognise it in myself. The moment a feeling squeezes, we reach for the exit. A new playlist, a new job, a new partner, anything to outrun the pinch of sadness, anger, fear or disappointment. Yet research continues to tell the same story, when we treat discomfort as the enemy, it grows stronger.

Phones give us an instant soothing tap, employment websites promise greener offices, and dating apps offer the flick of a thumb to erase awkward silence. A recent multinational survey of workers under thirty found that one in three changed roles within eighteen months, often citing an urge to “feel better fast” rather than clear career goals.

At the psychological level, this habit lines up with experiential avoidance, the drive to escape unwanted inner states. Meta-analytic data place experiential avoidance at the heart of stress-related disorders, predicting higher anxiety and lower life satisfaction across dozens of studies.

Each sprint away from discomfort buys a moment of relief but drains long-term resilience. A 2024 meta-analysis covering more than 190 studies showed that psychological flexibility, the capacity to stay in contact with difficult thoughts and feelings while acting on values, has a strong positive correlation with wellbeing, whereas inflexibility tracks burnout and depression. In other words, the very ability to sit with a knot in the chest is what lets life feel meaningful.
The paradox deepens when we recall work by Iris Mauss and colleagues. The more people chase happiness as a constant state, the less happy and more lonely they end up feeling. The so-called hedonic treadmill shows a similar pattern; satisfaction spikes after a change but soon slides back to baseline. If we believe life should feel like an endless beach day, ordinary Tuesdays will look like failure.

Our grandparents found meaning in mending a shirt, tending a garden, or sharing soup. Mundane tasks still offer that doorway if we stay present long enough to notice. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) trials demonstrate that teaching clients to name their value, say, “steady care for my family” and then practise it while boredom or anxiety hums in the background increases life satisfaction months later.

A practice for the coming week:

1. Notice the first physical cue of a tough emotion, such as a tight throat or hot cheeks.
2. Label it in plain language: “This is disappointment.”
3. Breathe for ten slow counts without fixing or fleeing.
4. Ask which personal value is touched. Maybe fairness, maybe belonging.
5. Act on that value in a small way before the day ends.

No fireworks, just repetition. Patience grows the same way muscles do, under load over time.

Life is not a highlight reel, it is the smell of coffee grounds before dawn, the email you draft but neither send nor delete, the quiet drive home after an argument. Stay with those moments long enough, and the feelings inside them start pointing the way instead of blocking the road. When we stop running, we finally arrive.