Learning the Hard Way: Failures in my own personal sexuality and relationships

As my life and the lives of the people I work with have shown me, resilience is not an appropriate concept to fit the conditions of the world. The traditional notion of resilience — a return to a former condition following a setback — must facilitate people’s navigation of the complexities and ambiguities of modernity. Now, individuals need to deliberately cultivate the capacity to evolve through adversity, rather than simply rebound from it. Rather than clinging to a previous state of stability, they must embrace adaptability and transformation as indispensable survival mechanisms.

Rather, we should work to be antifragile, a term Nassim Nicholas Taleb coined in his book “Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder.” Antifragility transcends mundane resilience by flourishing and strengthening itself in the face of challenge itself. As an entrepreneur, a trainer and a psychotherapist I have seen the transformational power of antifragility within societies, organisations and individuals. Antifragile systems do not simply survive disruption — they grow (and become smarter) when they are challenged by chaos, challenges and unforeseen disappointments. Individuals embracing antifragility stop fearing failure and instead welcome it as an opportunity to refine their thinking and strategies. But that process relies on working on the mind to lean into that discomfort and see it as a pathway for improvement.

At its core, antifragility enables people to emerge from the worst situations stronger. Antifragile systems retain pressure and utilize adversity as constructive learning opportunities. Unlike fragile systems they don’t break; not like resilient ones do they? The principle is the same in leadership, relationships and entrepreneurship, not just mental health. Implementing antifragility cultivates attitudes of progress, not just survival.

Adversity and the development of growth through self, through adversity is central to developing true antifragile strength. Our experience of life is relentless with unexpected adversities challenging our psychological and mental edge. Without suffering, you stagnate; with great joy, you grow. Juggling jobs while starting and operating clinics have deeply shaped my character. Everything that failed would teach me how to be stronger, make me more focused and even help me keep on doing it.

It’s something I keep reminding people of, the importance of seeing adversity as the force multiplier; in a way being pushed through hard times. But people tend to withdraw or become aggravated by pain and surprise experiences. When, meanwhile, the sufferer can find no meaning in their pain, bitterness sets in, and it spreads, spreading. Over time, this pain that hasn’t been dealt with may manifest as anger turned outside or depression turned inward. I therefore assist clients in reframing painful experiences and extracting value from their private struggles. Thus, they start to convert suffering into resilience. Empowering their own strength and resolve with an added sense of self.